"BIGFOOTS, BACKWOODS, AND NOTHING HONEY" by Don Zorn.

If you ever wonder over to the Animal Planet channel, they had several "paranormal shows" on there like "The Haunted", and the ultra stupid "Mermaids: The Body Found". So I had to sit down with my pack of Marlboros, and my bottle of Jack Daniels to force myself to watch which has to be one of the dumbest shows by a crew of waterheads yet to grace our television screen since Milli Vanilli videos. "Finding Bigfoot" is an hour of grunts, grins, constipation, and "what was that?" bullshit. And that was just in the commercials.

This trainwreck in the tall timbers follows four sasquatch searching air space occupiers as they criss cross the country to find the "elusive" Bigfoot, Skunk Ape, Ellen DeGeneres, whatever. And they have people watching this canned and scripted turd wagon. I mean, when something stinks, it ain't Bobo farting in the deep woods after eating tree bark. I was expecting Yogi the Bear and Boo Boo pissing in a stream. But the stumbling and bumbling Bobo has no Bozo big shoes to trounce around in.....

So let's take a look at the cast of "characters":

Matt Moneymaker, the head cheese of the "Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization". Cliff Barackman, a "researcher", oooh big whoopdy doo. James Fay, AKA "Bobo", the bigfoot version of Scooby Douche and stand in for recreations (that is if he isn't faking this hairy hippie). And last Renae Holland, "the skeptic", and has about as much sex appeal as Steve Buschemi with lipstick on. They creep around in playgrounds, backyards, hills and hollers, looking for Boris Karloff's fourth cousin, twice removed who hasn't bathed in thirty years.

So the whole show goes in the same boring circle every episode. They go to where a bigfoot was allegedly seen, have a big Q&A session with town people, go out into the woods, strap on cameras left over from MTV's "Fear", and go out into the night looking for Harry of the Hendersons. Smack that tree, look scared, "what was that?", and pick up suspected shit from a "squatch". No doubt that's shit alright. Not just the turd in your lunch bag, but the whole show itself. The hair, bet it was from Bobo after he combed his back.... Evidence found? Nope. Just Hollywood gimmicks. Am I saying that Bigfoot doesn't exist? I'm not saying that either. Until I see it with my own two baby blues, I leave the option open.

Look, it's all about entertainment value. Look, they brought over "Turtleman" on a cross over event for one show when they were in Kentucky (which makes great bourbon I might add) like "Ghost Hunters" and ECW did on those "live" episodes. And they looked like a bunch of hunting hillbillies looking for a bag of crystal meth. And I forgot, they used Louisville Slugger baseball bats on trees to "communicate" with the bigfoots. Kinda reminded me of seeing something like that on a Bugs Bunny cartoon once. Wow, now there's an original idea. "It's a long fly pinecone, deep down the creek bed, going, going......"

So there it is, short and sweet on my take of "Finding Bigfoot". 

They might have a better shot at finding Jimmy Hoffa, or Elvis Presley, or the Tooth Fairy. 

Just ask Geraldo Rivera how looking for Al Capone's vaults went....